He was born into poverty, in a dark dingy coal mine, after 79 hours of intensive labor.  His mother also gave birth to a twin, but he never amounted to anything and is probably dead somewhere.  Lord Hodges was known as a cute, albeit, poor baby and that stigmata would haunt him for months until toddler hood. 

At the tender age of 4 Lord Hodges was put to work in the coalmines of Western Virginia.  He toiled for long hours climbing deeper and deeper into mines.  This is where he encountered a Balrog. Many historians argue that he weakened the beast significantly for it’s later fight against Magneto many years later.  Needless to say as you may know once Balrogs are defeated they drop a cache of coal.  Lord Hodges rejoiced at his victory and came to the surface with his spoils where he was promoted to supervisor becoming the youngest in company history.

However coal would not be Lord Hodges destiny.  He retired from mining at the age of 11 and moved onto the world of invention and created such devices as the telegraph, which he gave full credit to Sam Morse because that’s just the kind of guy Lord Hodges was.  At this time he also had a brief flirtation with Princess Victoria (he only got to second base).   Lord Hodges however sensed a growing divide in the country as he matured into adult hood.  His letters home seemed tense and foreboding. 

“Dear mother,

It is about to go down.  Things are a foot.  The whole country is built on a foundation of lies.

Sincerely,

Lord Hodges”

Chilling.  As the country began to fragment Lord Hodges threw himself into his study, sat, and pondered the ultimate question.  For 42 days he pondered when he remembered an old folk legend, told to him via a crazed miner named Steve, of an ancient chalice that was buried with the first pharaoh of Egypt, Menes.  Steve seemed to think the chalice held great power, which in turn would tax the holder with great responsibility, which is why Steve never sought it as he really wasn’t that reliable.   

            As the echoes of war reached Lord Hodges he chartered a seaworthy vessel, dubbed the Dirtbag and recruited a crew of very classy individuals.  They would become know as Lord Hodges Fancy Lads and Lasses after the journey.  He set sail at dawn and arrived at the foot of the Nile at dusk. 

 The Dirtbag, with onlookers.

            However as they were about to disembark a young child walked aboard the Dirtbag and told them of the curse of Menes and the ritualistic disembowelment of anyone caught stealing the great king’s wares.  Undaunted Lord Hodges punched the kid in the face and stepped off the ship.  Only three of his crewmen followed, Sir Woodrow, Sir Flood, and Sir Bob.  They in turn each punched the child in the face, who at this time was weeping blood and tears on the deck. 

Lord Hodges, pre-expedition.

            They set off through the relatively humid, but bearable desert as they had planned the trip during the Egyptian winter.  They traveled for hundreds of miles on the backs of camels, giant scarab monsters, and harem girls.  At last they came onto the ruins of King Menes’s temple.  Lord Hodges and his companions removed the cover stone of the ancient relic and traveled into the catacombs.  Inside they found chalice just as the old miner had said.  It was a majestic piece of porcelain adorned with a mother and baby unicorn.  On the reverse was a unicorn fighting a griffin.  They grabbed the chalice and made haste as the world continued to spin.

            As they traveled back to the ship terrible things began to happen as first Bob succumbed to cholera.  A snake then bit Woodrow, he lasted 12 days before falling.  Last Flood died trying to fjord a river.  Lord Hodges continued on.  He finally made it back to the Dirtbag.  He disembarked, after slaughtering the rest of the crew for mutiny.  He did promote the small child from before to assistant captain though.

Artistic rendering of Robert E. Lee

            As Lord Hodges returned to America he saw a changed world.  Rivers of blood began to form and spill out unto the ocean as kinsman killed kinsman and sharks became confused at the presence of so much blood. He commandeered a horse and flew to Appomattox Court House as the robot general Robert E. Lee and his forces were drawing Lincoln into one last stand.  As he arrived he saw the menacing Lee pull out his stolen lightsaber collection and prepare to end Lincolns life.  Hodges dove from his steed and blocked the blades with his chest, a bold move at the time, as he lay mortally wounded he grabbed for the chalice and pointed it at Lee.  He removed the lid and everyone watched in bemusement as Lee’s face melted off like in Indiana Jones. 

            As Hodge’s lay dieing being cradled by Abraham Lincoln.  He spoke. 

            “Take thy cup and use it wisely.  Never let this fair country be torn unsunder.”

            Lord Hodges died that day and a memorial was erected.  Many of you know it as the Gateway Arch.  Lincoln could not resist the power of Lord Hodge’s cup.  He used it to begin eradicating the north of all theater lovers.  Lord Hodges brother John Wilkes Booth eventually stopped him as he found his Achilles heel.  It was located in his butt.

The cup was hidden away by a group of individuals so secret not even do I know their name.  It has been rumored that Lord Hodges had the cup placed in Olmec’s temple.  Hidden away in the Shrine of the Silver Monkey until one day one that is pure of spirit and who doesn’t cross streams will reclaim the chalice.  

Lord Hodges, today.